10086 Sunset Boulevard

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Give us your nut jobs, your freaks
Your delusional masses yearning
to be famous
The laughing stocks of your
teeming streets
Send these, the rejects, the misfits,
to us
We lift the microphone beside the
Golden Door to Hollywood
and mock them, that they ever dared
to dream the Idol dream.

Yes, once again it’s time for American Idol and I am going to watch it and I am going to blog about it….. but not here. You can read my American Idol rants, raves and bored commentaries over at Blogging Idol. Or not.

The suspense to find out who the next American Idol would be, was almost too much.

The show opened with Randy saying “Dude, I think it’s going to be a hot night”. He thinks he’s Paris Hilton. Everything is hot.

Gwen Stefani did her favorite song from her new CD. It was dreadfully dull, but she sang it while dressed up as a strawberry truffle, which was rather interesting. A truffle with black stockings and high heels.

Kelly Clarkson came out and shouted out a song. Thigh High boots were not a smart choice.

They did the Golden Idol Awards and Margaret Fowler won the first one. She was there in her oversized Tweety Bird outfit. They gave her much too much air time the first time.

What happened to Constantine Maroulis? Didn’t the dude used to be hot?

David Hasselhoff was smiling.

Up for the next Golden Idol award was the Best Buddies Award. We all knew who would win, and it wasn’t going to be Simon and Ryan or the tramp sisters, Antonella and Amanda. It was good to see Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Briggs again. Okay, it was really creepy to see them again, although Jonathan seems like a nice kid having a good time. Kenneth is Circus material. X-Files Circus material. Ryan says that American Idol sponsored a Bush Baby at the Milwaukee Zoo under the name of Simon. That’s kind of funny if it’s true. They have a Bush Baby at the Milwaukee Zoo, but no mention on the zoo’s website of it being named Simon.

Ryan gave Jordin and Blake keys to their brand new Ford Mustangs.

The suspense was really getting to me. Who would win?

Carrie Underwood slowed down the pace with another boring song. At some point she was dressed as a moth.

Clive Davis came out and said that American Idol was a franchise and the contest was a sham and it didn’t matter who won, because even an a conceited asshole like Chris Daughtry, who was voted off before Elliot Yamin, can come in and knock the current Idol, Taylor Hicks, right out of the playing field by selling a bazillion records against the two records Taylor Hicks sold. Or something like that.

He talked about Fantasia and the camera focused on Smokey Robinson. I guess when Smokey wears a pair of earrings, he’s a dead ringer for Fantasia.

Then there was Sanjaya backed up by Joe Perry. The little girl who cried was in the audience. She was crying. Maybe because she knew she was the butt of so many jokes, or perhaps they just pepper sprayed her again.

Green Day was more boring than the boring acts before them. They sang Working Class Hero and the lyrics to the song were:

A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Taylor Hicks. Smooth. He looked good and I woke up a bit.

Jordin finally got to sing with someone who made her look normal sized. I had no idea Rubin was so huge. I wanted to see him stand next to Blake.

The suspense was unbearable.

Bette Midler. Oh my. She sounded like an old lady. Okay, she’s 60 something, but you don’t expect someone heading to Vegas to take over from Celine to sound like an old lady, you know? That little twirl of the leather skirt was scary, not sexy.

Talking of Scary, Randy and Paula danced to Wind Beneath My Wings.

Kelly Clarkson came out and shouted out Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heartclub Band.

Carrie Underwood sang She’s Leaving Home wearing a dress she must have borrowed from Haley Scarnato’s wardrobe.

Cool commercial for the movie Transformers. I want to see it. I wanted to see it that very minute instead of the watching Idol. I have to wait until July.

It finally gets to the end of the show and we hear the judges opinions one more time for no particular reason.

Simon goosed Paula. Why? Because he can.

I need to know who won!!

The winner is Jordin. I am shocked, just shocked. Oh wait, I’d already checked the results before I watched the show. There was no suspense. Only dullness and boredom.

Blake is relieved that he’s not the one who’s first hit song is going be “This is My Friggin’ Now”.

Jordin sings it.

Group Hug. Shows Over.

This is My Now. That song won the songwriting competition? If the winner of American Idol is the contestant who was able to sing the sappy song the best, it will be Jordin. Poor Blake did his best, but damn, that song was awful. AWFUL. Cringe-worthy.

There were 25,000 entries in this competition and this is what American Idol creator and producer Simon Fuller had to say about the winning entry:

“This song clearly resonated with the American Idol fans and was the clear winner of the Songwriter competition. Scott and Jeff wrote a song that speaks to why ‘American Idol’ is so popular – the pursuit and achievement of dreams and taking advantage of the moment.”

Gag.

Apart from that, the rest of the show was pretty lackluster. Jordin stuck to her same old boring routine, singing the same old boring songs in the same old boring way. Blake is much more fun, but he would have done better with Time of the Season over She Will be Loved, but apparently Blake doesn’t want to win American Idol.

Tomorrow, it’s over. Thursday So You Think You Can Dance starts again, which is much more entertaining and not nearly as annoying.

Updated 5/17/07:

What was going on with Simon and Paula last night? They were sharing little inside jokes and being touchy-feely. Even Ryan Seacrest seemed out of the loop last night, or perhaps Simon was right and Ryan was drunk?

Paula may have managed to stay away from her stash of pills for most of the season, but as it creeps towards the end of this seemingly endless season of American Idol, it doesn’t look like she’ll make it through. She obviously took something last night that made Simon look good to her.

Does Randy Jackson know that he didn’t invent the phrase “Check it out” and that he says it at totally inappropriate times? He’d be cool if he wasn’t trying so hard to be cool.

American Idol was a better show last night. No Lakisha displaying her lack of personality. No charity pledges, no guest mentor’s ass to kiss, just the final three showing us what they’ve got.

Blake performing three songs was a real treat. “Roxanne”, “This Love” and “When I Get You Alone”. All three songs were well suited to his style and he seemed in his comfort zone last night.

Ryan asked Blake who would play him if they made a movie about his life and Blake replied that it would be Jim Carrey. Ryan said “because you’re so tall” referring to Blake’s small stature against the 6’2” Carrey. Never mind that Jim Carrey is 45.

Jordin is a very talented young girl, but I’m just not a fan. She’s huge and yet she dresses in babydolls. Definitely not the look for a linebacker. I feel like I’ve seen and heard it all before when it comes to her style of singing. The arrangement of “Wishing on a Star” was disappointing. I’m sure she could have done that song justice. When she sang “I Who Have Nothing”, she made my vocal cords hurt.

Melinda really pulled out the stops last night and she’s finally managed to look like she’s accepted the fact that she’s popular.

Who’s going to win? I have no clue, but Blake is still my favorite.

Greg Barber thinks “viewers will sling Blake out in a cardboard beatbox” tonight. For more on his take on American Idol, check it out at ReadExpress.

Update: Hey Greg, looks like Blake is riding his Cardboard Beatbox into the finale of American Idol! I’m going to be so happy when this season is over. Greg Barber’s full recap of last night’s show is worth a read.

Not much to say about American Idol, since most of this weeks show was showing us what we watched last week. The best thing about American Idol at this point is that it’s almost over. I am glad Blake Lewis is still in the running, but I’m clueless as to why LaKisha is still there.

Melinda Doolittle has pulled out of her shell and looks less like a turtle each week.

Is Jordin a giant, or is Ryan Seacrest a little person?

Next week Barry Gibb is the guest mentor. Torture.

Haley always seemed like a beauty pageant contestant who happened to wander into the wrong television program. I think her skimpy outfits were her downfall, although being in the top ten and on the American Idol Tour isn’t much of a fall. I don’t think Haley was getting the female vote. It’s one thing to know you are sexy looking and have a good time with it, it’s another thing to flaunt it and look smug about it, which is where Haley crossed the line. I guess she figured no one would notice her singing performance if they were distracted, but the obvious distraction ploy became annoying.

Sanjaya really knows how to play to the camera and he had me in stitches this week. Simon said his performance “wasn’t horrible”. Actually, it was, but I enjoyed the laugh. I like the guy, and he’s a nice change from all the Justin Timberlake clones. He’s healthy, probably doesn’t do drugs and he’s got good teeth. A perfect Idol for all the under fourteen’s.

Blake Lewis is still my favorite to win.

The real Highlight of the show for me was Simon acknowledging his man boobs. He was hardly humiliated by the incident, but was a rather good sport.

Over at WildBell.com, Will Campbell weighs in on American Idol and the Sanjaya Phenomenon:

Why do I subscribe to the idea that things are being manipulated so? Easy: the votes. I don’t believe them. There’s no audit. There’s no Price-Waterhouse organization validating things. There’s no disclosure about the process or which contestant got how many. Just Ryan each week spouting a big old nebulous sum total and week-in and week-out the nice kid with little talent who should be getting the fewest magically isn’t. and the apoplepia grows.

You can read the rest of Will’s piece here: And Now for a Few Words About American Idol.

Yes, it happened to me. Last year my favorite, from the beginning, was Taylor Hicks. A big plus for me was that I found him entertaining. Sanjaya is no Taylor Hicks, but he is…….. well, Sanjaya. I am both entertained and amused. I laughed throughout his entire performance on Tuesday night and then laughed some more at Randy Jackson, who is always amused by Sanjaya.

Sanjaya was in the top three last night, along with Jordin and LaKisha. This is wrong. And it’s even more wrong for me to say this, but something bothers me about LaKisha. It bothers me more than Melinda’s neck, or lack thereof, and that something is LaKisha’s face. She looks like if she had to chew gum and think at the same time, the gum would fall out of her mouth, know what I mean?

Blake Lewis was in the middle three. That’s just wrong too. He is the winner, everyone else can go home now. Or that’s how it should be.

The bottom three: I keep waiting for Phil to shine, but he teeters between steamy crooner and creepy psycho guy. I’m always on the fence about him. Hayley, well she’s playing the T and A card still and needs to go home. Gina is out, no surprise. I was always so distracted by the tongue stud that I couldn’t tell you if she could sing or not.

And you know what else? Sanjaya could win this, he really could.

Chris Sligh goes home and I’ll bet when he gets there he’ll just crawl into bed and sleep for a few days, which is pretty much how I feel just watching the damn show. Each week Chris seemed to have less energy and he chose a high energy song to sing and failed to keep up with the tempo.

Blake Lewis should have been the one singing Bathwater, not Sanjaya. However, I’m starting to like Sanjaya. He’s having fun with his strange fame and the kid makes me laugh.

Gwen Stefani’s performance was interesting.

Who the hell is Akon?

Wasn’t it good to have a new episode of House on Tuesday?

I’m not going to watch American Idol next season. Really. I’ll take an evening class. French, Feng Shui, an Erotic Cooking Class. Something, anything, but I will not turn my website into an Idol Blog ever again……. after this season.

This is your brain:

This is your brain on American Idol:

It’s no surprise to learn that the crying girl on American Idol was deliberate manipulation. Check out “Move Over David Hasselhoff” on the MTV website.  She’s already on the talk show circuit - here she is on the Today Show.

Saying “no” to American Idol doesn’t mean you have to stop watching, but don’t contribute to the money making machine by buying American Idol products or calling in and voting.

Remember, this is the show that gave us Sanjaya.