Midlife
Today I received my annual physical. Even though it’s business as usual with the cyclical events of my body, the physician was required to discuss certain changes that could strike at any time, any minute in fact, since I have recently celebrated my fifty second birthday. At the end of my visit, I was given a manila envelope with the words “Midlife” written on the front in large letters and a goodie bag of condoms. Seems only yesterday that I was leaving the doctor’s office with a lollipop.
I’ve just opened the ominous envelope and it contains some literature and one pamphlet on menopause that reads something like this:
“Warning: Your body is about to self destruct. Mother Nature no longer requires your reproductive services and so you will begin to experience aching joints, extreme sweating, frequent urination, headaches, hot flashes, insomnia, mood changes, night sweats, decrease in ability to concentrate or recall, vaginal dryness and changes in sexual desire”.
A change in sexual desire? So what are they saying here? That if one finds themselves unable to recall where they left the personal lubricant and while rummaging around frantically, sweating profusely between mad dashes to the bathroom to pee, while their head throbs and their joints ache and getting more and more pissed off in the process, they just may lose that loving feeling?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I’m tossing the pamphlet in the garbage and going to the gym.
Holy crap could that “warning” been any more lacking in subtlety and consideration? It sounds like whoever wrote/OK’d that copy was aiming for humor, but jeez did they miss the mark… and why even go there with such a personal and sensitive subject.
One can only hope they don’t write anything for cancer institutes, funeral homes, or proctologists.
I have to fess up Will - that was my tongue in cheek translation of my reaction to what I was reading! Humor was where I was going with it……. I promise not to apply for any copy writing jobs at cancer institutes or funeral homes, but I could sure have some fun writing for a proctologist!
Ha! Well I can certainly see the humor in it now and that’s a relief. I was pretty much bug-eyed thinking that had been written and cleared by purported professionals. Color me FISHED-IN!
It speaks well of you Will, that you would be horrified if that blurb had somehow slipped through the cracks and made it into print on a public brochure. But honestly, I think it would have impacted me less to read that, than it did to open up the brochure and see the bulleted list of possible symptoms - - it didn’t help that the picture they chose to represent “the menopausal woman” looked to be about 109! Oh well, one has to have a sense of humor about this aging business and to remember that it’s not the same for everyone and there’s plenty to be done to keep it together.
For some odd reason, if you’re missing your personal lubricant I want to suggest you check on your head!
(inside joke)
LOL! That was such an inside joke, I almost didn’t get it!