10086 Sunset Boulevard

Updated 2/1/2007

No time for a full Idol update this week.

With all the usual array of pathetic no talent wannabees and the mix of mentally ill outpatients who wandered in, one person stands out from this week’s offerings. Sherman Pore. Well over Idol’s cut-off age of 29, he was a man with a mission. He sang “You Belong to Me” for his departed lady friend and he did her proud.

Oh…. and then there’s Jamie Lynn Ward, this year’s Kellie Pickler.

Update:No Jury Duty today after all, so here’s a little more on American Idol.I find myself mostly disgusted at the self entitlement of the brainless, talentless fools who parade themselves in front of Simon, Randy and Paula and the viewing public. They strut their stuff, tell the judges that they are the next American Idol and when they fail to impress, they fall to their knees and beg for a second chance. When they don’t get one, they turn abusive, foul mouthed and start making rude signs with their fingers. Some of them go crying to their mamas.

I’m hoping they selected the worst to make fun of and these people are in no way representative of today’s youth.

Now get off my lawn you crazy kids!

Who can blame Simon Cowell for being a bit on the pissy side these days? He was part of a television program about finding great talent in America, but with every passing season, it goes further down the road of exploiting the mentally ill for our viewing amusement and since that interprets to ratings, it’s not likely to change.

Not much stands out from the Memphis auditions, but the New York segments livened things up. The level of desperation is disturbing. The no talent contestants will beg, plead, cry and grovel to get that shot at fame.

Poor little Nakia wanted her trip to Hollywood, she had to go to Hollywood so as to not let down her family and friends. If she just hadn’t sung that second song so badly, she might have got the pity vote that day.

Sarah Goldberg is not a well person. She knows she can’t sing, but she’s willing to be taught. The judges don’t grasp her concept. She turns scary - scarier.

What to say about quasi-orgasmic sounds that came out of oddball Isadora Furman?

Joe Getty, from my favorite morning radio duo of Armstrong and Getty, summed her unique sound up nicely, saying that she sounded like “A woman having sex while dragging pots and pans and Clydesdales across a wooden gym floor while being worked over by the Syrian police.”

I can’t top that.

Updated 1/22/07

The aliens have landed and they are gathering in Seattle. Time to call Mulder and Sculley. The contestants for this season’s American Idol resemble the cast of an X-Files episode – “Humbug”. If the show was about finding freaks for a carnival, then Seattle would have been the mother-lode.

Kenneth “I am a man not a monkey” Briggs. Simon compared him to a Bush “also not a monkey” Baby. Too kind. Did he really think he could be the next American Idol? He couldn’t sing, he couldn’t dance and he really is very scary looking. I felt sorry for the judges having to look at him in person. It must have been quite unsettling.

Darwin (Misha) Reedy. At 27 years of age, she resembles someone’s eccentric old auntie, someone who has long ago gone to seed and whose large, pendulous, sagging breasts swayed around beneath the wrinkled satiny blouse while she did an impersonation of Ben Stein doing the Pussycat Dolls “Don’t Cha”. I cringed. I actually felt sorry for Simon who did seem to try and control his horror. Don’t even get me started on her mother, who obviously never had that all important mother-daughter conversation about the benefits of a good brassiere. Shame on you lady!

Nicholas Zitzmann trying to sing Unchained Melody. That’s just sad. The guys at the office, the ones who encouraged him to try out for American Idol, must have had their payoff big last night. Watch your backs boys, there’s psycho in his eyes. He’ll make you pay.

Eric Chapman almost got his ass kicked by security, when he suddenly decided he wanted to assault Simon with some hair gel. I wish they had beat on him, just for being a Taylor-want-to-be. Way, way out of your league buddy! Stick with cutting hair.

There is so much more to say about this horrifyingly funny television program, but that’s all I have time for now. More to come.

If you missed it go here and click on the Seattle Recap for a sampling of the weirdness.

Update: Good eye Will! Yes, I think we have a match with Peter Lorre

Being a woman of maturing years and still the proud owner of a curvaceous body, I find myself wondering if it is age appropriate to display those curves. Helen Mirren has just given me good reason to believe that I can keep doing so, for at least another ten years. Wearing a low cut Donna Karan gown, she showed that at 61 she is still a sexy and classy lady.

The Brits owned the show last night. A refreshing change from the same old “Wow, I can’t believe this is happening to me, me, me” Hugh Laurie and Jeremy Irons were entertaining, funny and wonderfully British with their acceptance speeches.

Sacha Baron Cohen proved that even vulgar material can sound less offensive delivered with an English accent.

Tonight it’s time to get sucked in to American Idol again. Lets hope Simon is a little less pissy than he was last season and is up to delivering more of that British sarcasm.

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I told a friend recently that public speaking was my second biggest fear. When she asked what my first biggest fear was, I informed her I was afraid I’d never have sex again. She laughed, I didn’t. 2006 was shaping up to be a chaste calendar year. All 365 days.

There’s something to be said for not rushing into a new relationship after a breakup. I’ve watched enough people do just that and it never seems to go well for them. I wanted to be ready to enter into a relationship, rather than entering into one because I needed validation, needed my broken heart to be mended, needed, needed, needed.

I’ve taken the time to mend my own heart, tend to my own needs. Recently I’ve been re-reading My Story So Far. I wonder why someone didn’t have me committed when I participated in this particular insane act? I’m extremely grateful that I can see the insanity and that I am light years away from where I was at that time.

I had a very Merry Christmas and an extremely wonderful New Year’s Eve. I said “yes” to the new man in my life, the man who asked me to give him a chance. And so 364 days, 21 hours and 10 minutes into 2006, public speaking became my number one fear.

Happy New Year Everyone! I’ve missed you.